l e f t - l i f e d

if it's loudly sung and in a foreign tongue...

more crazy English
viola
lute_of_jubal
(Thanks, Sandy Santana!)

· Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

· A backward poet writes inverse.

· A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

· Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

· Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

· A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

· A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

· Dancing cheek – to –cheek is really a form of floor play.

· Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

· Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

· Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

· When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

· A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

· What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

· In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

· She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

· A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

· If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

· When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

· The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

· You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

· Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

· He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

· Every calendar’s days are numbered.

· A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.

· A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

· He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

· A plateau is a high form of flattery.

· A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

· Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

· Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

· Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

· Acupuncture is a jab well done.

english is a strange language...
viola
lute_of_jubal
Strange indeed...Collapse )

What's up with that?Collapse )

a cheerful heart is good medicine
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lute_of_jubal
"Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'"

Hahaha!


"A cheerful heart is good medicine." (Prov. 17:22)

how lovely
viola
lute_of_jubal

hahaha
viola
lute_of_jubal
"A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, 'Wanna hear a blonde joke?'

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, 'Buddy, before you tell that joke, you should know something.'

'Our bartender IS blonde. The bouncer is also blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lbs. black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind guy thinks it over for a minute, then says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'"

unacceptable
viola
lute_of_jubal
Another one click petition from Change.org:

Earlier this year Millicent Gaika, a 30-year-old South African woman, was tied up, beaten, strangled, tortured and raped for five hours by a man as he screamed that he would “cure” Millicent of her lesbianism.

Ndumie Funda, a local community activist whose lesbian partner was murdered in the course of a similar “corrective rape,” reached out to Millicent through a small local charity she set up to rescue and support survivors of “corrective rape.” But last month they both had to go into hiding after the South African government released the perpetrator they had helped to jail on 60 rand (less than $10) bail.

Ndumie, Millicent and others decided to fight back against the rapists and the lack of accountability for their crimes. From a Cape Town safehouse for survivors of ‘corrective rape,’ the women created a petition on Change.org targeting South African Justice Minister Jeffrey Radebe.

Please, they wrote, declare 'corrective rape' a hate crime, which would both empower and require South African police to take a harder line on the vicious crime.

Click here to add your name to the petition.

More than 500 “corrective rapes” are reported in South Africa each year, and more than 30 South African lesbians have been murdered because of their sexuality over the past decade. Worse, for every 100 men charged with rape in South Africa, 96 of them walk free.

We can help here. Last year, South Africa's National Prosecuting Authority went on record refusing to formally declare 'corrective rape' a hate crime, saying "It is not something that the South African government has prioritized as a specific project."

But with enough international pressure on the South African government, such heinous crimes might finally be taken seriously. More than 2,000 Change.org members have added their name to the petition created by Ndumie and Millicent. Click here to add yours:

http://www.change.org/petitions/view/south_africa_declare_corrective_rape_a_hate-crime?alert_id=SlPqUMmEGV_QCJHzuZTSV&me=aa

Thank you for taking action,

- The Change.org Team

P.S. Every time a new person signs the petition, the Justice Minister’s office automatically gets an email. So once you join, will you forward this to friends and family, and post on Facebook, so that they hear a global outcry?

help stop child trafficking
viola
lute_of_jubal
From Change.org - a one click petition.

"Demand that governments protect and uphold the basic rights of all children.

The numbers around child slavery and exploitation are simply staggering, and there aren't enough people fighting back.

More than 150 million children younger than 14 years-old are child laborers -- one in six children in the world. Those children do hazardous work in mines or on farms, often handling chemicals and pesticides or working near dangerous machinery. Others toil as domestic servants in homes or workshops.

Another 300,000 children under 18 are child soldiers used as combatants, messengers, porters, cooks, or sexual servants in some 30 conflicts worldwide. They are most often forcibly recruited or abducted, or feel so helpless and overwhelmed by poverty they are driven to join the fight.

Girls are particularly vulnerable. Some as young as 13 are trafficked as "mail-order brides." Nearly 90% of domestic workers trafficked in West and Central Africa are girls.

It's an epidemic that isn't getting enough attention from governments worldwide -- and Change.org members can help change that.

Click here to take a stand now against child slavery and exploitation and demand that governments protect and uphold the basic rights of all children.: http://www.change.org/petitions/view/help_stop_child_trafficking_and_exploitation

Once you add your name, will you forward this to friends and family? We can fight this, but only if people know how bad the situation really is.

Thank you for taking action,

The Change.org Team

P.S. You can learn a lot more about what Change.org members are doing to fight human trafficking of all kinds at http://humantrafficking.change.org."

free, fair, and inclusive elections in haiti
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lute_of_jubal
Returned Peace Corps Volunteers Urge US to Ensure Free, Fair and Inclusive Elections in Haiti as Condition for Funding: link

"The absence of democratically elected successors could potentially plunge the country into chaos, adding a political crisis to the death and destruction caused by the January 12 earthquake. - Sen. Richard Lugar's (R-Indiana) report, "Haiti: No Leadership - No Elections," to fellow members of Committee on Foreign Relations."

"In the face of a cholera epidemic that has claimed the lives of over 500 people, infected many thousands and is feared to intensify due to widespread flooding in the wake of Hurricane Tomas, officials have stated that the elections scheduled for November 28 will go ahead as planned. While some candidates have questioned the wisdom of holding elections during such turmoil, a rising chorus of critics is disputing the elections' very legitimacy and is urging the US, a primary funder, to take responsibility in guaranteeing a truly democratic process."

"... the volunteers' petition [urges] that the US condition funding for the Haitian elections on the full participation of currently banned political parties and active engagement to ensure that voters among the 1.5 million internally displaced Haitians are not disenfranchised."


You don't have to be a volunteer to sign the petition! link

I like this
viola
lute_of_jubal
A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic
biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this
semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of
you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one
gets their GPA messed up because they might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like
to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the
test."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up,
walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up
on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor
looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked,
"Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those
students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves,"
he said. "You all get 'A's."

ha ha halloween
viola
lute_of_jubal
"RULES FOR A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and
Happy Halloween.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER
check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a
joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has
gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they should not know, shoot them
immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long
run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill
them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak
with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off
and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open por-
tals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.
This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud
noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL
OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not
check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's pro-
bably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless
you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip
or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shamb-
ling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up
with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit un-
characteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for
blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on,
kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some
of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Tran-
sylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize
this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine (or Alabama).

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road,
do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone
for help. If you think that it is strange because you
thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead.
You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery,
now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies
to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or
died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
performed satanic practices in your house.

...and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL... REMEMBER TO FLOSS AFTER
EATING ALL THAT CANDY!"

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